Christmastime

Every year I fall into the same trap. As I’m browsing through gift ideas, I see one so perfect for one particular family member that I can’t not buy it for them.

Unfortunately, I already have a present for that family member, so now they’re getting two presents. Then I have to get two presents for everyone, as I feel bad about favouritism and you never want anyone to feel resentful at Christmas.

I know, I’m being paranoid. But the risk is there, and that’s what anxiety leaps upon, like a hungry lion pouncing on a hapless gazelle. The what ifs – “What if Dad sees that I’ve given Mum two presents and he only has one? He already thinks that Mum’s my favourite, this will just make him feel worse! Then there’s my brother, I worry that he feels left out of the family all the time. If I just get him one present and my parents each get two, he’ll feel even more left out. I also worry that Grandma doesn’t feel valued in the family, if she just gets one present when everyone else gets two it’ll be a disaster!”

And so on and so forth. If a friend gives me a lovely sentimental gift and I give them a funny one, I will be haunted for the rest of my life. Funnily enough, that scenario worries me more than the opposite happening – me giving the sentimental gift and getting the funny one. I can handle that, my anxiety loves feeling resentful in a superior way.

Christmas still has the old joy of my childhood, I don’t think that ever goes away. What happens when you get older is you’re given the responsibility of making Christmas. When you’re a kid, the adults in your life make Christmas for you with presents, and the appearance of magic. But when you’re all grown up and supposedly responsible, it’s up to you to help make Christmas for the rest of your family. It’s a group effort. You still enjoy getting presents, but you also want the presents you give to be enjoyed.

Many people are surprised to learn that I’m not a Grinch. Alright, I may not believe in Santa anymore and frankly I look forward to the food more than the presents, but I still love Christmas. I love the extra time spent with my family, I love wrapping presents and unwrapping them. I love Muppet Christmas Carol, Christmas songs and trying to stop my cat from eating the tinsel.

So, although there may still be 11 days to go, Merry Christmas everyone!