A Bumpkins Guide to London

For anyone who doesn’t live in the London bubble, a trip to the capital is quite an adventure for a country bumpkin like myself. Of course I’ve visited many times in my life and now feel like somewhat of a professional, being able to mingle with the natives without sticking out like a sore thumb. But despite my regular trips, London never ceases to overwhelm me.

Going from the flat quiet natural landscape of the fens, to the grey and cluttered culture of the big smoke is a shock to the system alone, as rather than breathing in the fresh air of the great outdoors, you spend more time holding your breath so you don’t have to get a whiff of the sweaty people rafting down the tube. Because if there’s one thing that doesn’t exist in this city, it’s personal space. I’ve had more physical contact with random strangers insisting on pushing themselves upon me in a suffocating tube, than I’d like to recall.

Of course the ideal situation would be to simply walk everywhere and avoid these people who quite obviously don’t have a problem with elbowing you out the way to be the first off the train. But if you’re not prepared to breath in body odour,  don’t for one minute think you’ll be able to handle these streets in heels. Unless your Carrie Bradshaw or had a few too many tipples, heels are best left at home, or fitted once you’ve arrived at your chosen destination. They’re not tube friendly and until you’ve learnt to run in them and master the trickery of the escalators, I would strongly suggest you make like a native and invest in some Nike Roshe trainers, as they seem to be the current commuters shoe choice.

And once your feet are ready to hit the streets you’ll instantly look like a tourist anyway thanks to the ingrained dawdlers pace that us country bumpkins are born with. Fast paced is probably an understatement as I’ve seen commuters move so fast, they could probably give Mo Farrah a run for his gold medal! Like most outsiders, London is a place unrivalled for it’s fashion, but what happens when you take a girl out of the very limited high street to a plethora of streets lined with brands we’ve only ever seen in the fashion magazines? She buys nothing. Yes, despite the golden streets of fashion laid out before me the choice is overwhelming, and how anyone can shop without losing half their life in a four story Topshop is beyond me. The Topshop in my area is sometimes lucky enough to get the returns from other stores, allowing a few golden items to appear. Yet here I am gawking a four floors wondering where on earth I’m going to start. So I sat and ate a Lola’s cupcake contemplating my next move.

Being a tourist is exhausting, and as much as I love the glamour of London life, at the end of just one day, my senses are tired from being cautious of pickpockets, my legs are aching from the irregular walking pace and I stink of smog. 

But London, I love you.

Read more about our wonderful capital in issue VIII of Semple Magazine, free to read and download now on Issuu.