Tea’d Off

Usually, I like to think of myself as a pretty sensible gal – the type with her head screwed on. The type that gimmicky advertising is lost on. But as much as I hate to admit it recently I fell hook line and sinker for a fad I should of known to avoid.

Enter ‘Your Tea’, a company who offer an array of “teatox” products to suit every need. There really is a cuppa for everything; the ‘Anti-C Tea’ will rid your body of cellulite and impurities. Then there’s the ‘Fertility Tea’ for those wishing to conceive, suffering with PCOS, Endometriosis or other reproductive health issues, tis bad boy promises to  your new best friend on the road to motherhood and lets not forget that the ‘Man Tea’ offers a fantastic blend to increase lean, cut muscle.

I browse the collection and finally I opted for the ‘Tiny Tea’; a 28-day detox that reduces bloating, increases digestion functionality, improves skin clarity, increases energy levels and alleviates issues associated with food intolerances. Sounds amazing doesn’t it, and what with all the Instagram pictures of glowing girls promoting the magic tea I would’ve been a fool to not want in on the ‘Tiny Tea’ action wouldn’t I!?

Now, as to why I felt it necessary to buy a teatox God only knows; I weigh under 8 stone and my mother has a fondness for rolling her eyes every time I complain that my size 25 inch waist is bloated, my boyfriend thinks I have body dysmorphia and regularly compliments me on my petite figure, but me? Well I think I’m just a normal girl who obsesses over having the perfect flat stomach, so much so, that from time to time the need for perfection gets the better of me and in a moment of weakness I made the rash decision to part with £20 for a few teabags full of herbs.

The actual ingredients for ‘Tiny Tea’ by the way are as follows:

– oolong tea

– jue ming zi

– he ye

– shan zha

– lai fu zi

Yeah…I haven’t got a clue either. Yet despite the fact I hadn’t the foggiest what was actually in the tea I brought it anyway – it sounded healthy. The tea arrived promptly and pretty in its cardboard box with pink accenting; welcoming me with a cute little note to my “teatox” experience and I was excited to embark on a journey to un-bloat and practically elated at the promise of glowing skin. That was until about day 16, when my enthusiasm took a serious nose dive and I felt compelled to respond to ‘Tiny Teas’ letter.

So ‘Tiny Tea’ this is my reply, although I must warn you, it isn’t quite as ‘cute’ as yours…

Dear Tiny Tea,

Firstly, I would like to congratulate you on your ability to lure me in – I must say your marketing team do a sterling job and I feel it only fair to point out your customer service was really quite on point. You emailed me an impressive 10 times after my order. You’re persistent I will give you that.

However…your ‘intricately balanced herbal blend’ sadly failed to nourish and cleanse my digestive system and neither did it ease bloating. It is important to mention though it did however cause me to break out in a smattering of spots. Cheers for that!

As for my energy levels, ‘Tiny Tea’ you did about as much good as my regular tipple of green tea. (Tesco do a rather nice selection ranging from the grand total of 90p – £2.50).  You tea charlatans you!

So, I think it is safe to say I won’t be back anytime soon to pay through the nose for what essentially tastes like watered down potpourri and with a undertone of garden waste – mmmh. All that said and done I do recognise that I in fact have no one other than myself to blame in this matter and I can only hope I’m stronger next time.

Yours faithfully,

Sophie ‘you had me at teatox’ Maguire.

By Sophie Maguire, Editor